My life has been in a weird place lately.
And I’m sharing this because maybe you’re feeling a little like I am.
Recently, it seems like everything I’ve ever wanted has changed, not drastically, but enough to notice a change. And everything I have, I look at differently
I’m not someone that will hide the fact that I have dealt with mental illnesses, and I’ll be real, they have been hitting me hard again. I’m basically the poster child for anxiety. In college, I had depression and I thought it was long gone- until these past few months. This isn’t me wanting anyone to worry about me, I’m surrounded by people that love me and help me through my toughest moments. And I have a God that cares for me so deeply. I am truly good, my mind just doesn’t want me to think so- but I’m sharing this because these feelings have really opened my eyes to a new outlook on things.
You’re probably wondering what mental illness and a new outlook on life has to do with eachother- and I’ll tell ya.
See, I have been miserable. Angry. Unhappy. Mad at myself. Mad at the world. Mad at God. I was shutting out the things that mattered. I’ve been hurting when I know I have people that love me and Jesus there with me, wanting to fight this battle.
But I wasn’t letting Him.
And I know now it was because I wanted the world.
If you know me, you know I want to see the world. I want to go everywhere and do everything and my mind is set on that. If you follow me, you know I love adventure, I love the outdoors. I wish it was an endless summer type of life so I could be hiking all day, everyday. If you are reading this, you know I have a blog and love to write and would rather my job be this.
I wanted the world.
I wanted my passions.
I wanted everything BUT God but I still wanted Him to hand it to me.
I wanted less of what mattered and more of what I desired.
I haven’t been happy because I wanted more.
But, in reality, I needed less.
I need one thing, Jesus.
Ya know, there’s a ton of scripture you’ll find basically saying all you need is God, that’s the root of happiness, of fulfillment, the missing puzzle piece.
And I think a lot of times we laugh because we think things like “lol c’mon God, ya know we need food and water to survive???” and we pass it off as we don’t JUST need God.
I think that’s the problem. For me anyway.
We look at all the little things in the world we “need” and God gets put on the back burner.
We start to seek all the things the world has to offer for our happiness and fulfillment, and we keep seeking it because it NEVER fills us up. It NEVER makes us happy enough. We ALWAYS want more.
And that’s where my miserable attitude and my battle of unhappiness rooted from. I didnt have enough of the world. God has blessed me with so many worldly things already, and all He wanted was for me to turn away from aweing at the world to realize how blessed I am with these worldly things and look to Him for one second to know that HE was where happiness is. And always will be.
And that’s where my outlook changed.
I realized just how blessed I am.
I have a nice car that actually works.
I have tons of clothes.
I have a roof over my head.
I have food to eat.
I have the tools I need to pursue my passions.
I have a job to pay the bills.
But, then I realized just how little I wanted that stuff. Don’t take this as me being selfish, I’ve worked hard for everything I own and I’m extremely thankful for it all. But, this outlook made me realize how little happiness the things I always wanted bring me.
If selling my car meant I got to use my own 2 feet to backpack across Europe, done.
If no more rent meant money for a renovation on a van to live out of and road tripping through North and South America, done.
If no more netflix meant more time to read, write, grow my relationship with the Lord, create, explore- done.
If getting rid of all my clothes and only having a handful of quality gear to put on my back and keep me warm, meant more funds to pursue the things I love, done.
If not having any of these things meant I had more time to pursue God, true happiness and be and do what God made me to be, done.
If not having any of this worldly stuff just meant having the people I love, good health, nature and God, done.
If only having God at the root of these few things, done.
And that’s my new outlook, I don’t need all of this worldly stuff. It hasn’t brought me any fulfillment. It has been a blessing, but it hasn’t provided what I was really seeking, happiness.
I still desire to travel the world. To live out of a van. To backpack Europe. To hike and camp all summer long. To blog my little heart out.
I just desire them differently.
I don’t want them if it means being consumed by the world and finding happiness through THOSE things.
I only want them if I’m getting more Jesus.
So, if backpacking through foreign countries brings me closer to Jesus, I want that.
If hiking a mountain brings me closer to Jesus, I want that.
If sleeping in a tent in Yosemite all summer long brings me closer to Jesus, I want that.
If not having any of that brings me closer to Jesus, I want that.
I want Jesus because I want happiness.